Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. —Psalm 30:5

one of the many shots from my 21st birthday...
i love it when i have new blogs to read, or if someone puts up a new post, or if it's a picture, even better. i like people, they interest me and i get easily attached to a person. i can never know enough about a person, cause let's face it, can you actually know everything there is to know about someone? if someone were to give me a chance to just sit and get to know him/her, i'd ask questions till the cows, and sheep and lions come home... :-) but anyways, i think besides recording stuff about my sister, i've been blogging about superficial stuff, stuff that happen, but not the cliche what im feeling kinda posts. and at the risk of being kutuk-ed for not keeping my 'private thoughts private', here's something that occurred to me just this morning...

----->i have really low self esteem, well it fluctuates, sometimes i'd grin and be super perasan, but most of the time, i face reality and wish i was slim, had a pretty face, was a tad more witty, was more hardworking, caring, and definitely more mature. when i was in school, i found myself to be mature beyond my years, and now, as if making up for those lost years, im childish (or as someone once put it, frivolous) to a fault. Jarod seems to think the change is doing me some good, and i dare not ask anyone else what they think though... i was reading this post on low self esteem and how the blogger told the literate (written and computer) that we need to see deep inside ourselves for our individual worth. :-) she made it sound like we shud dig dig dig and dig cause it's there... then for some reason, i began to think of how i relate to people. how i feel i've been through some rough times (though probably trivial and peanuts compared to REAL problems, real people in tough situations face)... but i've had my heart broken, i've cried and regretted shamelessly, in chagrin, i've contemplated what the world would be like without me in it, i've dreaded what the future could possibly hold for a lonely me... at the same tiime, sometimes concurrently, i've had abundant blessings from the Lord above, i've had moments to laugh, friends who cheer me up without having to know why or even if im down, i've had experiences enough to keep a smile on my face thus far... so the balance is good. but im soooo scared of being hurt. i wonder if there's a name for this phobia. hence, i tend to cling real tightly to ppl who are dear to me, who care. i fear pain that i always need to have people around me, in contact with me, as some sort of deluded insurance that no one's hurting me this time. i know perhaps the way to avoid hurt is to keep from getting attached to characters, but it's an innate nature of mine to love people, thus i forgive way too easily too, to fault. i shield myself from hurt, and deny rejection by seldom allowing myself to be alone with my thoughts... in afterthought, a major case of denial and a refusal to face reality. i chat till late at night so i wouldnt have to contemplate and toss and turn in bed before i sleep, i surf the net to keep (not take) my mind off my own matters. i crave activity to fill my quiet moments. even during prayer time, i pray for others so i wont have to think about me, and be bogged down by hurt. i hate to be alone with my thoughts. this post itself is torture for me...

well, what do you know... it's quite refreshing to face reality. im not a bitter person, who's only had misfortune dealt my way. some people would count me to be bountifully blessed. in order to make myself more bearable, i need a splash of cold water to get me counting my blessings... :-)
[count your blessings, name them one by one...
count your blessings see what God has done... ]


oh btw, Happy Birthday to Paik Ling, someone who has brought constant cheer to my life back in Akasia and even now... love ya, girl!