Thursday, September 29, 2005

i don't wanna leave...

last year, i set foot past the gates at the airport with excitement and uncertainty, eventhough i was sad to leave everyone at home... i feared, yet anticipated what awaited me. i was geared and gamed for a challenge to fit in...
but this time ---->im crying when i shouldnt be now... im dreading my return to dublin... my heart is so heavy... i know what awaits me, i know my room, i know my college, i know the weather, i know where dunnes is, where to buy what, where to eat... yet, none of it excites me, and im not looking forward to anything. not the MnS cookies, not the icecream, not the park... N-O-T-H-I-N-G... i really don't wanna go back... i guess i also know what i'm leaving behind. my darling mummy and daddy, my baby brother, my sister all the way in india... my home. i really dont wanna leave. i want to plead to please not make me go, but i know not to whom i should direct my plea. i made this life choice, but im afraid im losing focus and sight of what it is. now, for the life of me, i can't fathom why i would want to go halfway across the world and leave my comfort, my home, my love at home... im afraid of what awaits me there. i'm not alone here, but i fear i will be there. who will i run to when im in need of care? who will provide comfort without even needing to know i need it? i really really dont wanna go... i dont even know why i'm crying now...
i know that i don't want to quit my studies. it isnt my studies that im afraid of. it has nothing to do with that. it's the living that im dreading. i don't know if it's fear or just sadness that's ovecoming me, i only know im dreading going back... my heart is so heavy...
"Be not afraid I go before you always, come follow Me and i will give you rest..."
My prayer tonight---> Jesus, i can only hope that i'm doing Your will and hope that this is the truth. Because given that it is, then please help me use this knowledge to drive me and lighten my burden, dread and my heart today. Use me, let me be Your instrument. Shine through me, Jesus. Please give me strength and Your grace. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, hear my plea and i place all my trust in You. Holy Spirit, fill my soul with the joy of God's grace and forgiveness... i make this prayer through Jesus Christ My Lord. Amen.

4 comments:

henrietta said...

darling cousin. don't worry. i'm sure God will hear your prayer and grant u the extra strength u need. u've gone thru so much and i'm so proud to be ur cousin!
He brought u to it, He'll bring u through it! will always be praying for u dear cousin! love u! *hugs*

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