i don't wanna leave...

last year, i set foot past the gates at the airport with excitement and uncertainty, eventhough i was sad to leave everyone at home... i feared, yet anticipated what awaited me. i was geared and gamed for a challenge to fit in...
but this time ---->im crying when i shouldnt be now... im dreading my return to dublin... my heart is so heavy... i know what awaits me, i know my room, i know my college, i know the weather, i know where dunnes is, where to buy what, where to eat... yet, none of it excites me, and im not looking forward to anything. not the MnS cookies, not the icecream, not the park... N-O-T-H-I-N-G... i really don't wanna go back... i guess i also know what i'm leaving behind. my darling mummy and daddy, my baby brother, my sister all the way in india... my home. i really dont wanna leave. i want to plead to please not make me go, but i know not to whom i should direct my plea. i made this life choice, but im afraid im losing focus and sight of what it is. now, for the life of me, i can't fathom why i would want to go halfway across the world and leave my comfort, my home, my love at home... im afraid of what awaits me there. i'm not alone here, but i fear i will be there. who will i run to when im in need of care? who will provide comfort without even needing to know i need it? i really really dont wanna go... i dont even know why i'm crying now...
i know that i don't want to quit my studies. it isnt my studies that im afraid of. it has nothing to do with that. it's the living that im dreading. i don't know if it's fear or just sadness that's ovecoming me, i only know im dreading going back... my heart is so heavy...
"Be not afraid I go before you always, come follow Me and i will give you rest..."
My prayer tonight---> Jesus, i can only hope that i'm doing Your will and hope that this is the truth. Because given that it is, then please help me use this knowledge to drive me and lighten my burden, dread and my heart today. Use me, let me be Your instrument. Shine through me, Jesus. Please give me strength and Your grace. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, hear my plea and i place all my trust in You. Holy Spirit, fill my soul with the joy of God's grace and forgiveness... i make this prayer through Jesus Christ My Lord. Amen.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:19

i have been alloting my nocturnal hours to completing my summer project... i sleep pretty late, arise pretty late too, and sometimes even spend my evenings sleeping! :-) but over the weekend it's kinda hard and i worked so hard last week that i let myself rest on the Sabbath. the rest never felt better... :-) it felt truly-deserved, the aches, the pain, the toils, the sacrificed online chatting time... :-) so sunday, we went to church, then had a nice dinner in nando's and devoured their nice hot chicken and gulped down the oh-so-delicious sparkling apple juice... d-i-v-i-n-e...
*but it's times like this that i especially miss my darling sister... lots of love to you, gracie... missing you sooooooo much...
on a brighter note... hehe i completed writing my project, as in putting all the stuff i wanted in the literature overview and it amounted to around 2900+, slightly exceeding the 2500 limit. so i was dreading the editing, and put it off till a few hours ago... there was one part which i did while i was really sleepy, so i polished it. and recounted the words... and edited some other parts... grand total (including the subtopic words)= 2584
subtopic words = 84
which gives me a miraculous total of exactly 2500 words!!! i was elated, overjoyed and oh-so-thankful to God. only God could have pulled such a miracle for me... :-) and the above phrase kept coming back to me over and over again... *sigh of contentment... God loves me and hasnt forgotten me... can't hide that it did occur to me last weekend. while i am where i am because of His blessings (He gave me results i could earn a scholarship with, then the scholarship itself, entry into the right med school, results to meet JPA and the uni cut-off points) and here i am today. but looking at my friends who are blessed with love of a bf/gf, i can't help wonder how is it that i am without one now? there doesnt seem to be anyone for me now... did God perhaps forget me? i kept telling myself that that wouldnt happen... but Satan's power to cast doubts is too powerful at times for me to resist. but today's blessing and today's miracle cast that doubt aside and away from me, to the deepest pits of hell where it belongs!
i love You, Jesus. i'm sorry for ever doubting You... Thank You, Lord for blessing me abundantly, and once more again today... i love You with all my heart...

Summer 2005 is coming to an end...

my summer hols are petering to an end and i'm confined to my room finishing my project. hehe



--->there was this freaky fella whom my parents befriended in the KCP pool abt two weeks ago, and wanting to echo my parents' sentiment, i was friendly when he started talking to me, then he asked if he could have my phone number. he's 27 by the way and a former Melawatian. so i conceded but not too much and just gave him my hotmail add. i was so willing to be friends, until he actually came online. he chatted with me for only 10 mins, but managed to beg me for my phone number and to meet him in that 10 mins. eeeeeeeee yuck! i was totally turned off, freaked out and yuck-ed out that i said bye, logged off and appeared offline, before blocking him. then today, since it was so hot, i decided to risk it and go swimming. i was praying hard that he wouldnt be there, but alas, God didnt wanna spoil me. so as i kicked off for my first half-lap, i hoped he wont notice me, or even if he did, i hoped he'd be respectful enough not to call out to me while i was swimming my laps. but he stopped mid-swim, right in the middle of the pool and shouted my name, twice! i touched my feet to the floor of the pool and pulled my sour-est, gracie-look and scowled as best as i could. i retreated to the edge of the pool and scolded him for disturbing me while i was swimming. as i kicked off again, my mom explained to him that i didnt like being disturbed while i was concentrating. i swam without stopping for as long as i could, but he parked himself in a chair right at my lap and watched. it was so freaky and repulsive. then when dan and i came out of the pool, he was beside mummy and daddy, and i saw him turn to look to me out of the corner of my eye, but i ignored him. i sure hope he gets the message. not to be mean, but freaks freak me out... blech... and i dont even feel bad for being so mean...

my all time favourite song...

have been diligently working at my project. hehe victor advised me to finish it before i get to dublin, and he's right, i probably wont have time to slough over it then. maybe a little finishin touches la... well... cant blog much today, so i'll pen off with this -------->

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

-Thomas Merton, 1915-1968
American Author, Monk and Mystic

and...

"because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason"
-Phoebe B., Friends

No me ames (Don't love me) - J. Lo & Marc Anthony

Tell me, why are you crying?
Because I'm happy
And why are you so choked up?
From loneliness
And why are you squeezing my hand
So tightly
And your thoughts seem to be wandering?
I love you so much
Why?

Don't be so hard-headed
Stop doubting me
Although in the future there's a large sky
I'm not afraid
I want to love you

Don't love me because you think I'm different
You don't think it's right
For us to spend this time together
Don't love me because I know what a lie it would be
If you don't think I deserve your love
Don't love me
I'm going to stay another day

Don't love me because I'm lost
Because I change the world
Because it's my destiny
Because I can't change
We are a mirror
And you are my reflection
Don't love me
To be dying in a war of regret and sad thoughts
Don't love me
Because in this world
This great love deserves to soar through the blue sky


I don't know what to say
That's the truth
If people want to want to hurt us, they will
If you and I part now
They don't matter
But in this world
Don't leave me

Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Don't listen when I say I don't love you
Don't love me
Stop breaking my heart with these "I don't love you's"
Don't love me
Because my heart is breaking
That is useless
I will always love you

Don't love me
You have suffered enough
My heart has turned cold like a million winters
Don't love me
To forget about your gray days
I want you to always love me
You and I are changing
One with the other
And always together
This love is like the sun
That comes out after a storm
Like two comets in the same galaxy

Don't love me
Don't love me
Don't love me

slot machines, aladdin and nausea...

went with mum to send in her UM application form at UM on monday afternoon, met aaron so he cud help direct us out, then we went to Puchong to pick my Mi up then headed for my dearest Godma's new apartment in Damansara Perdana, in the Mutiara Damansara area, which incidentally also houses Goms' office in Tesco main office. Goms' new place is really exclusive, it's like what Hartamas and Damansara used to be like. new area, but the shops are rising to the sky very quickly. didnt think to bring my camera, or else i wud have nice pics to put up here. we shopped at the Curve and we ate at this place 'Mache' pronounced 'mar-shay'. it's almost like a food court, but all the food's prepared by the same company, and it's really fresh and very homey. can choose ur own ice cream, own veggies to be stir-fried, etc. then we have these 'passports' onwhich to stamp our orders, then we pay at the end of our meals. super interesting concept. anyways, since Goms was bringing Mi up to genting the next day (Tuesday), Mummy and i decided to follow, so Mi and Goms came over to spend the night in our home! i had an excruciating migraine attack. hard a tough time falling asleep though i was so tired. kept awakening in the middle of the night. we woke up around 7.30 and headed for Genting! hehe maybe it was 'angin' cause i didnt eat properly the day before, or maybe it was too early in the morning, but though Goms' honda accord was super comfortable, i felt like puking. then we ate Ipoh Hor Fun for brunch, and played slot machines! hehe i like the Zorro machine at first (only 1cent per point. Once i was playing the machine with my grandma, and we gambled till the last 60 cents from rm 10, so my grandma decided to gamble the whole thing and we actually won rm30.60! hehe it's super difficult to collect winnings these days. and i think being around the 'chimneys' at the casino, shortened my lifespan by 10 years!at least! the smoke was awful! my grandma introduced me to 5 cent games and i loved this arabian-night-Aladdin game. i bet only 10 points per time but this one guy, whom i was waiting for finish with the machine, kept adding rm100 (2xrm50) every 2-3 mins cause he bet 90 points! i managed to win back Mi's money, about rm33! hehe thats my official favourite slot! hehe
then we had makan, before shopping at First World, before heading home at around 6.30. can hardly keep my eyes opened now... hehe i mean no offence to ppl who do like to gamble, but i find that playing the slot machines isnt particularly stimulating, though it is definitely fun with the right company. it was fun to laugh with my grandma and all, but i can hardly fathom how ppl can concentrate and 'invest' so much. they all looked dazed! i guess to win big, one has to play big. oh well... i played in the casino for the first time since turning 21. btw, they dont allow picture taking. so no pics from the casino..




oh happy birthday to terry! you deserve a very good one, pal!

i hadnt laughed like that in ages...

Sept 18th 2005, Sunday
:-) andrew had a 21st birthday bash today, at his church. after choosing from 3 outfits, i decided on the second one...
was dreading it a bit, (ok a lot) cause the ppl im closer to (ei leen, lorraine, jarod) werent going to be there. so i dragged aaron... pestered prodded... thank God for such a friend. had to go to church first, and aaron had this own church thing so by the time we reached, it was a little after 8.30. the party had started and jaclyn victor was there! took the opportunity to snap a picture with her. either she has really good PR or she's just a really warm person... then there was andrew's amazing chocolate cake.. made that my dinner! hehe and yes, i amazed andrew by actually turning up. (yes yes, im known for FFK-ing). i think i surprised myself even. hehe met andrew's gf joanne at long last. :-) contrary to waht ppl say, she's really very nice and friendly and i couldnt wish for more special a girl for such a dear old friend. and she's really so much prettier in person too. met up with quite a number of friends (rachel's so easy-to-get-along with, amy's really a doll, stephanie's as grounded and nice as she always was, paary's also the same, how's in control of his life again and it's so nice, being busy suits jason, jeremy's grown up too, and i never knew chin julie was such a nice girl) and it was amazing the way i could sit down with friends i had not mingled with before this and laugh. hehe it was an odd bunch, all from different form 5 classes, all either already 21, or on the verge of turning, and giggling as if we had just graduated from high school! andrew's bash ended pretty early, around 10, so we headed to Taman Bunga Raya (a.k.a. TAR college area) for yumcha. there were interesting stuff on the menu like "roti honda", "roti MyVi", even "roti jantan (2 telur)". hehehehe eye opener, in many many ways. it wasnt a trip down memory lane the whole time, but more abt knowing where everyone was, when they wud venture into the workforce... :-) such dear dear darling friends... wishing only good things, preferably the best things, your way, always...
at the end of it all...

mooncake, coconut water and a pashmina...

had a wonderful day with my grandmother and grandfather today...
met Mi and Papa at Marriott Putrajaya for Dim Sum lunch at abt 12


then we got complimentary mooncake from the restaurant... :-) then Mi actually asked if they could change the flavour(is that what mooncake tastes are called, flavour?)


then we headed to UPM for Mummy to collect Mum's 'surat pengesahan tamat pengajian'...
had coconut water on the way back to Mi's house




At Mi's house...



then lepak lepak.



My darling grandmother gave me a pashmina, without actually knowing that i've been meaning to get one since coming home! :-) such a darling lady...

after watching a Filipino show, Mi, Mummy and i went for a walk with Aunty Madgie... very peaceful actually, though could smell the haze.. maybe my nose is more sensitive since the last 'catastrophe'... hehe




Oh today's Jie Jie Ji's birthday... happy birthday, darling Jie. hope you have a wonderful year ahead and days laden with blessings and smiles always... love you, Jie!

Bahasa Jiwa Bangsa

Semasa di bangku sekolah, saya memang terpegun dengan bahasa kebangsaan dan lazim berbahasa Melayu di kalangan rakan seperjuangan di SMK Taman Melawati. Saya amat tertarik dengan kebolehan bahasa Melayu untuk menyampaikan makna tersirat dengan lembut, tidak menyinggungkan, dan mengelakkan tusukan hati. Ini, saya percaya, mencerminkan budi orang Melayu yang sopan, lemah-lembut dan sentiasa menimbangkan perasaan penerima/pendengar. Peribahasa mungkin antara ciptaan/rekaan yang paling berguna dewasa ini.
Walau bagaimanapun, sejak menjejak kaki di rantau orang, saya dapati penguasaan bahasa saya semakin hari, semakin merosot dan ini amat membimbangkan dan mendukacitakan saya. Pernah, saya duduk terpaku di bangku menghadap skrin komputer alih, kerana buntu memikirkan perkataan yang sesuai untuk menulis sepucuk surat. Itupun, surat rasmi yang tidak biasa disertakan bahasa berbunga. Apalagi karangan dan sajak yang gemar saya baca.
Lebih-lebih lagi, pelajar Malaysia di luar negara lazim bergaul dalam bahasa Inggeris untuk membiasakan diri dengan bahasa pengajaran di universiti. Meskipun ada kalanya kami bertutur dalam bahasa Melayu, sudah menjadi kebiasaan untuk mencampur aduk kata-kata Inggeris. Tambahan pula, bahasa pergaulan mana ada bandingannya dengan bahasa karangan?Saya berharap melalui usaha pihak Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka melalui laman web ini [www.dbp.gov.my], saya dapat memperkukuhkan penguasaan saya dalam bahasa ini, dan seterusnya menonjolkan kebanggaan saya terhadap bahasa kebangsaan ini. Ada terlintas di fikiran saya, untuk menjalankan segala perutusan saya melalui e-mail dan MSN dalam bahasa Melayu, tetapi saya jangka jumlah rakan yang tidak janggal bergaul dengan saya akan turut merosot!
Sememangnya, bahasa jiwa bangsa!

--->TRANSLATION
During my school days, i was always impressed by our national language and it was not uncommon for me to converse using the language with my fellow comrades at SMK Taman Melawati. I was very taken by the ability of the Malay language to relay a hidden message (cushion the damage, if your must), gently, to avoid hurt and heartsickness. I believe, this mirrors the softspokenness, conscientousness and consideration the Malay people have towards the feelings of their listeners. The proverbs were probably the most useful creation in today's world.
However, since setting foot on foreign ground, i've discovered that my command of the language worsens as the days go by, and this worries and saddens me. Once, i sat, nailed to my seat facing my laptop screen, at my wit's end trying to come up with suitable words to write a formal letter. That being said, formal letters seldom employ flowery language. What about the essays and poetry i used to enjoy reading?
In addition, Malaysian students overseas frequently converse in English to acclimatise themselves with the mode of instruction at the university. Though there are times we speak in Malay, it's a common habit to add and jumble some common English words. Furthermore, how can conversation Malay be compared to the written language?
I sincerely hope that by the efforts of the Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka through this website [www.dbp.gov.my], i am able to strengthen my command of the language, and consequently, portray the pride i have of this national language of mine. It has crossed my mind to do all my correspondence via e-mail and MSN in Malay, but i foresee the amount of friends who will comfortably mingle with me to fall drastically!
Language is truly the soul of the nation!

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. —Psalm 30:5

one of the many shots from my 21st birthday...
i love it when i have new blogs to read, or if someone puts up a new post, or if it's a picture, even better. i like people, they interest me and i get easily attached to a person. i can never know enough about a person, cause let's face it, can you actually know everything there is to know about someone? if someone were to give me a chance to just sit and get to know him/her, i'd ask questions till the cows, and sheep and lions come home... :-) but anyways, i think besides recording stuff about my sister, i've been blogging about superficial stuff, stuff that happen, but not the cliche what im feeling kinda posts. and at the risk of being kutuk-ed for not keeping my 'private thoughts private', here's something that occurred to me just this morning...

----->i have really low self esteem, well it fluctuates, sometimes i'd grin and be super perasan, but most of the time, i face reality and wish i was slim, had a pretty face, was a tad more witty, was more hardworking, caring, and definitely more mature. when i was in school, i found myself to be mature beyond my years, and now, as if making up for those lost years, im childish (or as someone once put it, frivolous) to a fault. Jarod seems to think the change is doing me some good, and i dare not ask anyone else what they think though... i was reading this post on low self esteem and how the blogger told the literate (written and computer) that we need to see deep inside ourselves for our individual worth. :-) she made it sound like we shud dig dig dig and dig cause it's there... then for some reason, i began to think of how i relate to people. how i feel i've been through some rough times (though probably trivial and peanuts compared to REAL problems, real people in tough situations face)... but i've had my heart broken, i've cried and regretted shamelessly, in chagrin, i've contemplated what the world would be like without me in it, i've dreaded what the future could possibly hold for a lonely me... at the same tiime, sometimes concurrently, i've had abundant blessings from the Lord above, i've had moments to laugh, friends who cheer me up without having to know why or even if im down, i've had experiences enough to keep a smile on my face thus far... so the balance is good. but im soooo scared of being hurt. i wonder if there's a name for this phobia. hence, i tend to cling real tightly to ppl who are dear to me, who care. i fear pain that i always need to have people around me, in contact with me, as some sort of deluded insurance that no one's hurting me this time. i know perhaps the way to avoid hurt is to keep from getting attached to characters, but it's an innate nature of mine to love people, thus i forgive way too easily too, to fault. i shield myself from hurt, and deny rejection by seldom allowing myself to be alone with my thoughts... in afterthought, a major case of denial and a refusal to face reality. i chat till late at night so i wouldnt have to contemplate and toss and turn in bed before i sleep, i surf the net to keep (not take) my mind off my own matters. i crave activity to fill my quiet moments. even during prayer time, i pray for others so i wont have to think about me, and be bogged down by hurt. i hate to be alone with my thoughts. this post itself is torture for me...

well, what do you know... it's quite refreshing to face reality. im not a bitter person, who's only had misfortune dealt my way. some people would count me to be bountifully blessed. in order to make myself more bearable, i need a splash of cold water to get me counting my blessings... :-)
[count your blessings, name them one by one...
count your blessings see what God has done... ]


oh btw, Happy Birthday to Paik Ling, someone who has brought constant cheer to my life back in Akasia and even now... love ya, girl!

:-P

it's super incredible the way things are these days... even :-P is haram... do read on...

PSD spells out new rulings on sexual harassment:
No ogling, no hugging
Hamidah Atan

PUTRAJAYA, Fri:
Civil servants are reminded that it is an offence to ogle or hug colleagues without their consent — or even to stick out your tongue at them.
Such behaviour has been officially deemed sexual harassment, under new guidelines issued in a Public Service Department circular today.

Also prohibited are lewd hand signs, dirty SMS messages, asking for sexual bribes and even cracking off-colour jokes.

Women are similarly warned, as these offences are not considered gender-specific.

"Sexual harassment transcends gender and status," said PSD director-general Datuk Ismail Adam. "A man can harass another man, or a woman harass another woman."

---------->on a totally separate issue... i was swimming at the club jsut now, wearing my ugly swimming cap and goggles, when this guy started talking to me,(i was a little irritated cause i was really intent on finishing my laps cause i havent exercised in soooo many days) and then he asked for my hp number. haha! what a surprise! though awfully flattering, endorphins and a compliment! in the end, i told him to let me change first and gave some excuse to only give him my email add instead. ehhe my dad and mum reacted surprisingly well actually... hehe

---------> gracie's coping really well in india. am so very proud of her. though the dissection thing is a bit of a nuisance now and it's so difficult for her to catch up with the bullet-train speed they breeze through their syllabus... but im sure you can do it, darling sister... missing u so very much... love u loads and loads...

-----------> my brother teased me about being really outdated when it comes to modern Hitz... so i switched on the radio and downloaded a few 'new releases'... really love "Don't Cha" , "All The Way", "cater to you", the bsb songs, "we belong together' and 'lonely no more"! i think the first and the last are my absolute favourites!!!! hehehe

shoutout!

hehe just realised thanks to some linking, got ppl read my blog... hehe hi jarod (one of my first readers), thurston, my darling housemate Limy, ravi... have heard a lot of comments about how i shud keep private thoughts private and all, but i relish the thought of recording memories that cud fade into oblivion, so that they wont do just that... i just really hope i dont offend anyone or anything...

penang trip...

monday 10.25 flight, stayed with frances, met seniors and good friends, left wednesday 2.20pm. nothing much to say, or rather i just finished a super long email to gracie abt it, so a bit too tired to type out here again. hehe the island's nothing much to shout abt, but the company and ice kacang made the trip worthwhile!
muax, world!

4 wives for each...

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had
four wives.
He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her
with rich robes
and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave
her nothing but
the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was
always showing her off
to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that
one day she would leave
him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant
and was always kind,
considerate and patient with him. Whenever the
King faced a problem,
he could confide in her, and she would help him
get through the difficult
times.

The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and
had made great contributions
in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However,
he did not love the
first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly
took notice of her!

One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was
short. He thought of his
luxurious life and wondered, "I ! now have four
wives with me, but when I die,
I'll be all alone."Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I
have loved you the most,
endowed you with the finest clothing and showered
great care over you.
Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me
company?"

"No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked
away without another word.

Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his
heart. The sad King then asked the 3rd wife,
"I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying,
will you follow me and keep me company?"

"No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When
you die, I'm going to remarry!"
His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned
to you for help and you've always been
there for me. When I die, will you follow me and
keep me company?"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied
the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can
only send you to your grave." Her answer came
like a bolt of lightning, and the King was
devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you and
follow you no matter where you go."
The King looked up, and there was his first wife.
She was so skinny as she suffered
from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken
much better care of you when I had the
chance!"

In truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives: Our 4th
wife is our body. No matter how much time and
effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave
us when we die.
Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and
wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.
Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter
how much they have been there for us,
the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in
pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the
world. However, our Soul is the only thing that will
follow us wherever we go.

Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is
the only part of us that will follow us to the
throne of God and continue with us throughout
Eternity.

When the world pushes you to your knees .....
You're in the perfect position to pray

i miss my sister soooo much...

FRAGMENTS OF THOUGHTS

Irene Magdalene (Maggie)
Deenie announced her engagement today. Well, it isn’t as if I didn’t see it coming or as if I didn’t know about it. Besides her and Michael, I was the only person outside their relationship who knew before today. It’s just so surreal. My sister and my childhood buddy. We were always a threesome, the ‘3 stooges’ our mothers called us. But, now, looks like ‘three’s a crowd’. But the irony was that I was losing my baby sister. No more late night chatters, petty squabbles or mischievous hanky-panky’s! I just hope she’ll always keep me in her thoughts and treasure the fun times we had as much as I do…

Julia Geraldine (Deenie)
Julia Geraldine Lee
Mrs. Julia Geraldine Lee
Mrs. Michael Lee

I can’t believe it. Only a month to go and I’ll be Mrs. Michael Lee. Hey, I don’t even have to change my initials! My dress is ready, and I had my first run through the beautiful white embroidered China silk. The skirting is elegant. The lace is so fine and the train is at the perfect length. Michael loves it. He says the colour brings out my ivory skin. I just hope everything turns out fine on D Day. Ma and Maggie helped me pick my wedding bouquet today. I can hardly wait.

Maggie
Only one more week until I lose my sister. I know, I know, I sound cranky, but I just can’t help it. Deenie’s dress was just amazingly beautiful, and as I helped her pick the flowers, the childhood dreams we shared seemed to be coming true. Why does Deenie, he younger one get to go first? Is that really my problem or am I just afraid of being left alone? Throughout the entire period of preparation, I put on a cheerful face but deep down I was crying for the sister I had not even lost yet… the Lambert Sisters would soon be the Lambert Sister!

Deenie
It’s 12 midnight. My palms are sweaty. There are millions of butterflies in my stomach. I can’t hardly think straight. I’m GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! Okay, I’m crazy! Calm down, Deenie. It’s nothing to be worried about. I’ve been trying to sleep for hours. Maggie dozed off, after failing to calm me down. Well, this will be the last night I’ll go to sleep as Deenie Lambert. I’d better get some sleep, or I’ll have bags under my eyes on my wedding day. Maybe I should count sheep. Okay, I’m cracking up. Who wouldn’t? I’m sure Michael is still awake now. He’s probably worse than me. Well, there goes Maggie, snoring away. How can she be so calm? I keep imagining myself tripping over my train or saying the wrong vows. Argh!! I just hope nothing goes wrong tomorrow. Ma said everything would be fine. Well, I hope she’s right. Good night, Deenie Lambert!

Maggie
Deenie looks simply radiant today. Michael doesn’t look too bad himself. Well, they do, indeed, make a perfect couple. As I preceded her down the aisle, reenacting the plays we practised as kids, all our fond memories flashed through my mind, and a solitary, silent tear trickled down my cheek, bringing with it all the the emotions I had welled up inside during all the days leading up to the wedding. I could feel my eyes water again, not with tears of sadness, but of joy. As Deenie recited her vows, she glanced at me, as if looking for reassurance. I smiled at her through my tears, in a feeble attempt to hide them, and for the first time, sincerely felt happy for my sister.

Deenie
Yes, Ma was correct. Everything turned out just fine. My dress is perfect and I have my husband beside me, looking adorable in his white tuxedo. Wait a minute, did I just say ‘my husband’? Yes, Michael, my HUSBAND. Anyway, everyone looks so cheerful. The weirdest thing was that as I said my wedding vows, I glanced at Maggie, and I could have sworn I saw tears welling up in her eyes. At that moment, I suddenly realised that I would miss my sister the most. I’d miss being a part of the Lambert Sisters! As I glanced at Maggie, she looked at me with those concerned eyes. I smiled and she softened up. Sigh. Maggie will always be Maggie. Looking out for me and worrying about me have always been second nature for her. As I look at her, I see the same Maggie I saw when I was four. The Maggie who laughed when I fell and who scolded me when I cried. In he eyes I saw my Maggie who always tried to help when I didn’t ask and who put her nose in my strictly personal love-life. The busybody and Ms Know-It-All… my Maggie…

Maggie
I was sincerely enjoying myself, this is, after all my sister’s Big Day. The sadness I felt was now lifted as if a dark cloud that obstructed my view had cleared. I just hope everything would turn out fine for Deenie. Wait, why is she looking at me? Is something wrong? Phew, she smiled. Nothing’s wrong. Trust Deenie to always get me worried. It’s just the spontaneity with which she rushes into scrapes, expecting me to always look out for her, that worries me. Ever since we were young, I was always getting her out of trouble. Like the tiime she fell off her bike and when she cried too much, whining away incessantly… Deenie… Deenie. But then, if she was any different, she wouldn’t be my Deenie, and married or not, that, she’ll always be…

By
Sarah-Jane Khong & Grace Corrine Khong. (2001)

Gracie's in Mangalore...

gracie had to be at the airport by 6pm on the 30th of August, a Tuesday. was just comparing gracie's departure and mine... pictures-wise. don't feel like saying much, so will just let the pics tell the story...

gracie and brandon...

group shot

my sister and i...

gracie and i wore the same colour!

GRACIE!!! hehe

Me...

Family Photo