Tuesday, August 29, 2006

the weight issue...

how much weight is too much and how much weight LOSS is too much?

- well time for a reflective post. i think that a blog warrants that much, ya? after all, if im just gonna scribble what i did for my hols, i think it shows im a lazy person, and i might as well not keep a blog! :-)

when i was young, there was a time when ppl used to think i had an eating disorder, cause i was really thin. but the thing is, during that time, ppl actually thought i looked good.

then i had my appendix out, and i was bed-bound for quite a long period of time, had to stay off solids for as long as possible. hehe so thats when i developed my attachment to KFC mash potato! :-) it was delicious and practically the only nice tasting soft food i could eat. i was 9. so naturally, without realising it, as weight had never been an issue for me, i put on a lot of weight. it didnt help that i started wearing glasses when i was 10!i changed schools to SK Tmn Melawati 2 and my confidence in my physical attractiveness plummeted and i resorted to feeling good about excelling at school.

when i entered high school, i was really big. but since i channeled all my energy to my studies, i did really well... i'm a perfectionist at heart, but it just depends which channel gets all my efforts. i used to memorise my sejarah word for word. one had to only mention the heading of a mini-chapter and i'd rattle off all the points word for word! there was a table in world geography and i cud just rattle off each and every place listed. it was scary how much i put into my studies. guys weren't much on the menu for me. hehe well, i did have a pretty serious crush, but since i was so unattractive, i never got to do anything about it.

in Form 2, Andrew and the guys told me that i scared the guys. well i think they wrote it in this book EiLeen started, where we got to write what we thought of other ppl in class. that kinda jolted me to enjoy my youth! i started paying less attention to my studies, and more to friends. when i went for Confirmation Camp, i made friends and felt good about myself. Gracie was the vain and pretty one, and since i could never compare, at parties, no one would even bother looking at me. i was the ugly, the fat one...even when my mom got the both of us contact lenses, i never wore mine.

then this one guy made a lot of changes in my life. he gave me ambition and among other things, his friendship made me more conscious of my looks and made me wanna look good. :-) so i did. i dont know how i lost the weight but i did. the tight prefect skirts, could suddenly fit properly. i even started wearing my lenses in form 5!

the period after SPM was the best months of my life! :-) i got my straight A1s (which made me feel absolutely brilliant!! hahahaha ), i got my tokoh pelajar (the much coveted and sought after award that i never thought was within my grasp!), then i went to St John's. hehe the scholarships started pouring in (even ASEAN which was just amazing!), i never felt more confident than at those months. the friends i made st johns were for keeps, Lionel being one of them! :-) it was the most amazing 2 months ever la.

then i went to INTEC. i didnt exactly think much about my weight then, i just kinda accepted i was plum, though some comments about how i was fat hurt me (from Ganesh, even something Shen-Han told wee loon once)... but i never actually let it get to me, i guess i was still riding high on the amazing months after form 5!:-)

then after INTEC, i broke up with my ex. what i went through made me drop pounds without even realising it! i took quite a number of photos before i left for Dublin, and i really liked how i looked then! so i left for Dublin not exactly the top form emotionally, but definitely still confident.

In Dublin, the trouble started. i went through quite a lot. i never minded what i ate, so i ignorantly, kept up that attitude in Dublin. i used to binge and finish one whole loaf of bread, eventhough i had already eaten lunch! i'd store packets of chocolate chip cookies, tesco chocolate wafers, cadbury chocolates and at night when i was alone in the room, i'd chomp down on them! even when i realised i was gaining weight, i'd still gobble them all down! it was so scary that i could actually tell myself not to eat, but when i was alone at night, it was like someone took over my body and i just couldn't control it, and i'd eat and only stop when the packet was empty! it didnt help that Dunnes carried one euro biscuits!

just before i left to go see ei leen in London, i weighed myself in Frances' apartment and i was a whooping 6*kgs! i was scared, i was as heavy as i was in high school! even my pants didnt fit anymore. i had to squeeze myself into slacks with fat bulging out, and i even bought a new pair of pants from gap when i was in London. i didnt know what to do, so i tried to shed the pounds on holiday but anyone with logical thinking would know that's virtually impossible. i returned to dublin looking like a whale. or an elephant. hehe whichever is more ghastly! i went to the rcsi ball looking like a huge whale! even then, i went though an emotional turmoil (loads of issues sent me into depression) and continue chomping down pizzas, cream of mushroom and garlic bread during study breaks!

when i returned home, my mom had the shock of her life! (eugene took this pic on an outing just before i came home)
i didnt really watch what i ate during that summer, but i went swimming with my mom and the pound dropped. but very slowly. emotionally, i was still a wreck. i refused to see my old school friends for a month when i came back. :-) but i think either they remember what i looked like in high school, or they're just real dolls. they didnt poke fun at me, or even laugh. i went to KLCC with Lorraine and we even got a free ice cream waffle! :-) so my confidence was undergoing repair, after all the abuse it had undergone in Dublin. i was hurt, and i ate to cover the hurt. that led to almost non-existent self esteem. and there really wasn't anyone i could turn to for help. Nal was going through her beloved grandfather's passing, and i knew if i were to tell my mom, it'd only worry her, and i really didnt want that when i was so far away. but being home, was amazing! :-) i was still fat, but like before it didnt bother me and i gained a little confidence.

when i returned to dublin during my 2nd year, i had lost a bulk of the weight i had gained, btu i was still big. so i hit the gym, and first prof really drained me. i hardly had time to eat. i was shedding the weight and i was beginning to regain esteem.
Christmas that year, i came back. Dublin has only been associated with depression for me. i dont recall ever being happy in dublin. i couldn't take the stress i was under, so i came home for christmas. i was happy at home.
but when i had to return to dublin for my First Profs, my mom understood the stress i was under, so she came to visit me. and it really really helped me alot!
when Beaumont started, ppl used to talk about my having an eating disorder cause i wasnt eating right. when i was bingeing and putting on weight, no one thought to tell me (except my best friend EiLeen who warned me when i first sent her photos of Dublin). but now that i was on the other side of the spectrum, losing weight, they decide to be concerned. Nal lost a lot of weight and she's really more confident and happy with herself now. they talked more about her. and she's right when she said these ppl weren't bothered when she was plump and not eating. but now that she was losing weight, they started talking. but there's more to it than just losing weight. i know of ppl who are blessed with high metabolisms, like my college friend, WaiQuen! :-) she's very lucky in that she can just eat whatever she wants and not put on an ounce of fat.

i didnt let it get to me. as i was shedding the pounds, i was gaining my confidence. no one knows what i went through. the emotional roller coaster and the absence of confidence. it's like people are just waiting for you to put on weight, so that they can shake their heads, laugh inside(some would just not care and laugh outwardly), and perhaps feel good about themselves. while i'd like to be able to help ppl maintain their self esteem, this time i'm going to be selfish and think about my own self confidence! believe me when i say i'd like to be able to not care about what i eat, but i've been where it's dark, when i just eat and eat without any self control. and i hated feeling like what i did at that time.
I'm in the prime of my life (or maybe slightly past it la...), and soon wrinkles and grey hair will start to plague me. i could even have kids and say bye to ever being of nice shape. :-) i'll never regain my youth, and while i hope to grow old gracefully, very few are blessed with that advantage. my sister bought me two seasons of One Tree Hill, and i think it's a very good show. not only for the plot, or the hot chad michael murray, but cause the girls are not stick thin but still stunning. it motivates me to achieving a realistic and healthy goal, and promotes a very very healthy body image. i know i dont wanna be huge, but i also need the correct guidance to know when thin is too thin.

when we go through something very very difficult, or get hurt, we retaliate by taking measures to ensure that never happens again. it's human nature. from dublin, i've learnt to never simply trust ppl, cause i got hurt. and i've learnt i never wanna have to gorge and be fat unnecessarily, and have no self esteem. it's avoidable. it's an awful place to be in. some ppl are naturally satisfied with how they look and i'm not advocating that big ppl can't be confident. but personally, i know i just don't have the innate inner self confidence to pull that off, or enough good friends around me to help me proud of myself even when i'm a whale. it's not something i'm ready or equipped to deal with. i know i'm not starving myself. i guess the message i'm trying to put across is that i can kinda get how one could become anorexic, especially perfectionists. they expect perfection from themselves in every aspect, if possible. i'm not condoning it, but let's just say, i'm more emphatic to their plight now... and i know now, more than ever, we can't judge ppl, cause no one really knows the whole story, the complete truth. so dont be so quick to play jury. concern for a friend is a whole other issue, of course. but before talking about ppl, be honest with yourself, is it really true genuine concern?


alex said...

if i have the time, it'd definitely be genuine concern.. :) haha... but in the meantime, trying not to let that get to me.. lol..

i never used to be sincere. not till i went to australia. then, i really appreciated my friends, and the fact that most of them (not ALL) appreciated me and who i was.

perhaps its because i'm a guy who has been in an all boys school all my life (bar uni), so i've been able to place 90% of my trust. but its true in that you say that we'd never learn the true stories of our lives.. friends for that matter i would say in general. i don't know all the stories about my best friends and friends, its a fact.

but i live to trust the person they are. they are your friends for life, until of course, that bond of trust is broken. which of course, makes it awfully difficult to bounce back from. i know. i suffered that fate myself.

take life as it comes, one day at a time, if you need more rantings, i'm there, well, only for so long, with my living in dublin for the full 6 (and the tiny possibility of 7) years :).

i've become accustommed to listening to pure abuse, from the swearings of my best friends in sydney, to rantings that i so often hear from many of you/us in dublin...

even on msn, i get people to open up to me, because, the best way to get through things, sometimes, is to talk it through.

one instance i can quote is a girl i knew in unsw, yan-yee, who was mighty angry (i think from pms), and so didn't really want to speak. in fact this was over msn, and how she was like... b****-ing off at me for about 20 minutes, then she apologised.

and then she talked it through, and eventually got over her moodiness. :).. lol.. we studied over msn for the exams.. for bio in particular, and it was my best subject in the single semester at unsw i did :P.

those days are long gone though, we all move on now.

now.. looking to the present.. i think i might sign in for weekly tennis, and probably do daily jogging. in addition to weights sessions in the apartment and the gym. and to keep my fingers in good nick, the piano :P

but first, the exams which start in two days.


one thing. thanks for the friendship. long live the friendship.

and my mum sends her regards to you too.

keep your chin up. and i'll keep my bum down to get back to work.

cheers :).. and i probably misinterpreted the meaning of this blog, but anyway, here's a lengthy comment for you to reply by email :P hehe.. i won't be returning to blogs for a while... last day.
then again, i didn't read the blog too slowly and elaborately, but skimmed through it like speed reading (a bad habit, although i never did a speed reading course :P). hm.. yeah, so hope its a good comment altogether.. can say its definitely long :P haha

henrietta said...

vr inspiring post cousin!

somandyk said...

if the pic of you in blue is your most recent one then you look awesome and you should stick to doing whatever it is you are doing and eating!

this is probably does not have anything to do with your post but sometimes no matter how you look like or in this case how heavy/light you are, you are never fully satisfied. you are gona think im crazy after i tell you this. i dont think im skinny enough. im scared to death when i put on a few kg eventhough i know itl make me look better. im alil psycho! haha! the weird thing is i dont cut down on my food (which is probably a good thing cuz if not id dissappear from the face of the earth)and yet i worry about putting on weight. i guess its cuz everyone else around me cares about how much they weigh and what they look like!

p.s. im mandy, daniels friend and your ex sunday school student! haha!

Shen-Han said...

Hiya Sarah Jane!

It's me. Shen-Han. Still remember me? hehe.
The guy whom you mentioned in your post. haha.
The guy who allegedly told your ex that you're fat.

It's been a while since I last popped by your blog. Hope all is fine.

OK time to put some things straight.

I never ever like to call anyone else with the three letter word starting with an F and ending with a T, with an A in between those two alphabets. Reason being that I was on the plump and heavy side myself.

I guess Wee Loon must have told you that I described you at fat or something to that effect.

The truth is that even though I felt you were a bit on the plump side (notice how I abstain from using the three letter F word), I have never ever commnented anything negative about you.

I feel that it's not right for me to be judgemental. WL has often asked me of my opinion of you, in terms of your physical appearance. And I have often shrugged that question off, for two reasons. First, if I did speak my mind, I'd hurt two people, namely you and WL. I didn't want WL to think that I patronize his taste in women (or something to that effect). Also, I see you as a well-meaning, self-respecting and capable woman, without letting my opinion of your physique cloud my evaluation of you as an individual.

Many times, I have been asked whether I think WL was sound in mind when he went out with you, owing to the notion that you did not have the 'desired' physique. To avoid having to judge you based on your appearance, I merely said that 'Love is being able to see perfections in someone who's imperfect'. I hope you don't mind me calling you imperfect, cause I believe NOBODY is perfect.

Anyway, I do apologize if those allegations caused you distress in any way. I really think that you are a good person, and you absolutely don't deserve the emotional distress over having people judging you based on your appearance, and not by your character.

I wish you well and all the best in your time in Dublin!! :)

Take care, Sarah!